Thursday, March 24, 2011

Letter to no one

I want to write my ex a letter since he won't respond to my texts, but it's best that I don't. If I do then he will think that he still impacts my life in some way and that is not the case.

Dear Brad,
I just wanted to update you on what's been going on in my life since I left you.

I no longer live with my parents, I live with my boyfriend. He owns a house but it needs some work before we move in. He wants to take his time to fix it up so it's perfect and not just a house that's "move-in ready." He just replaced the roof this past weekend himself. His family helped him a little bit, they're really close. He has a big family that I love. He's letting me decorate everything in the new house. I even get a second room to use as a closet. I decided it will be my closet/the guest room. He even took my advice on what color to paint the house, but that will be one of the last things that he does.
He's a really great guy. He's not jealous, posessive, obsessed or clingy. He's financially responsible and stable, a hard worker, an undercover sweetheart and he trusts me. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that I would love to.

Britni, Kristi and I are much closer. Britni and I got Kristi a pretty expensive flower arrangement for her birthday. I brought it into work (we work together) the day before her birthday and hid it in another office until she left for the day. Once she was gone I put it on her desk so that it would be there in the morning (her actual birthday) when she showed up. She was pleasantly surprised. They are my heterosexual soulmates. I don't know what I would do without them in my life. We agree that our friendship is more important than our other half. Our friendship will never fade like it did before. I think that was because I had moved away. Kristi moved away several years ago but she came back. This town has a way of sucking you back in, but I'm okay with that.

I believe that all of the bad things that happened to me (losing my job and ending our relationship) caused me to move back home but I think it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. In result I have built an amazing friendship back up and found my true love. I believe that this is the happiest that I have ever been.

I just started school. I'm going to get a degree in Human Resource Management. I'm doing it online. I don't have the internet at home right now so I'm doing it at work, at my parents' house and/or my boyfriend's sister's house. We are getting satellite installed next month, he's paying for it so I can do my schoolwork at home.

I have had the same job since I moved back, it's been almost 5 months now. I have been working for a chemical plant through a staffing company. I just recently got a raise. I will be receiving another one soon when I become employed by the actual chemical plant. Once I get my degree I could actually use it to work here if I wanted.

I will be getting a new phone along with a new number next weekend. I don't want some people that have my current number to contact me any longer, plus I want to have the same area code as where I'm living so it won't be long distance for anyone to call me from a land line. You won't be getting the new number.

You still owe me $300+. You said that you would pay me almost a month ago but I never really believed that you would. And I was right in doing so, obviously. I can take care of myself financially so I never relied on you or had to. I was financially responsible when we were together, you actually borrowed money from me every week. You would pay me back just to ask to borrow money again the next day.

I know that you tried to tell my parents "why I got fired." I don't know what made you think that you could do that without me finding out. And I don't know what made you think that it would effect their feelings towards me. They don't care about what you have to say about me. I'm their daughter and they are going to love me regardless of what you say, truth or lies. I feel like you told them that so they would resent me and then not help me move. But like I said they're my parents and anything you told them wouldn't change their pre-existing feelings about me. All it did was make them like you even less. Fortunately it was the end of us so they didn't have to waste their time having to pretend to like you any longer. They were worried about my health because of the stress from our fighting.

I hope you live a happy and successful life, just as long as I am not a part of it.

Monday, March 21, 2011


I guess since the beginning of my current relationship I have had my doubts.
My thinking was like this:
  1. It won't go anywhere and I'm okay with that.
  2. I think I might want something more but I know he doesn't.
  3. Okay I need to be patient but now he wants a relationship.
  4. We're together but I doubt it will last.
Since then we had a "fight." I wouldn't really call it a fight because there honestly was no fighting, I just don't know what else to call it. It was really late one night and we started talking about things that we didn't like in our relationship. His issue was my dog being inside even though he knows why she is and agrees that it's a good reason but that doesn't change the fact that he didn't want her to be inside. My issues were that I didn't want things to be so seperate between us, I wanted there to be more of an "us." Maybe I just need to feel needed. I like being relied on I suppose. Well it came to an end because he said something that hurt my feelings and I started crying, then he started crying because he didn't want me to be sad. I thought that was pretty sweet. We kind of agreed that we understood each other but we couldn't find a compromise but we would work on it.

The only reason my dog, Ellie, is inside is because she's not fixed. I don't want her to get pregnant because there are enough dogs where we are living. Six total; two are mine and he doesn't have any. I told him that if Ellie was fixed then she'd be an outside dog but I didn't have the money to fix her and that if he wanted to pay for it then it would be a win-win. Well he had his sister call vets nearby that I hadn't checked with yet about their pricing and his brother's girlfriend called Adopt A Pet which ended up being the cheapest and very reasonable. He told me that he would pay to have her fixed if I helped him do some stuff at the house next door. So it's a deal!

The house next door belongs to his family but needs to be redone (about $10000 worth of work). He plans on putting all of the money and work into it and moving in. He started working on it this weekend. $2000 in and there's a new roof! Well since he started working on the house we have been using the words "us" and "ours" more often.

So I guess both of our issues have been solved or are on their way to being solved.
Somehow after this weekend I feel like things between us are more stable, more comfortable and I feel like it could last. I don't know that I've ever been this happy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Time changes everything!

When I was younger I thought that I would get married very young, basically right out of highschool, and start having lots of babies right off the bat. Well here I am 6yrs later and none of that has happened. I've made quite a few life changing decisions in my life and have yet to really stick with any of them. I just feel like I'm stuck in this place between being a child and an adult. I've done adult things such as start school, get my own place, live with a guy, buy a car, etc. but I still just don't feel like an adult. I never know what I want without a doubt. Maybe I thought life would just be a fairy tale and everything would work itself out and be perfect. There's no such thing as a fairy tale though. There's no prince charming, no castle and nothing is just handed to you for free.

I've never truly believed that any guy was the one. I may have thought a couple were, but then in a split second I am brought back down to reality when another guy catches my eye. I don't know why I do that to myself, am I trying to set myself up for failure? Or am I just making myself realize that I'm not completely satisfied and I just ended up settling?

Is it wrong to want a guy to buy me gifts from time to time to show me that he cares? Or do what I want to do on a Saturday night? Or let me win something every once in a while? I do all of those things for guys and I know if I didn't then the relationship wouldn't work or even exist. I want to feel wanted and loved when I show someone those same emotions. Maybe guys just work differently than girls. I just want my feelings and emotions to be returned.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Bitch fest

Background info:
Kristi = best friend / Dominic = her son / Alyssa = her sister & my roommate / Lynn & Phil = her parents & my landlord

I should've known there was trouble in paradise in the very beginning.
I live with someone that has a disability where most people don't live past the age of 8. She is now 20. She recieves disability checks, lives in her parents old house (as in they no longer live there but still pay for almost everything) and parties non-stop.
After living there for 5 weeks bomb #2 gets dropped on me. I won't even get into bomb #1.
Apparently Alyssa has been lying to her mom about a lot of things ever since I moved in.
I would love to go into detail, but this is not the time nor the place, ha.

Before I moved in I was under the impression, because I was flat out told this, that I would be moving in on a trial basis. My move date got moved up because Alyssa was in the hospital and Phil told Kristi to tell me to go ahead and move in so I could get settled in. So I did just that. I was informed today that I was wrong. I was supposed to move some stuff in here and there and not move in for a weeks, but during those few weeks of not living there and having my stuff there that would be the trial basis. Makes sense, right? NOPE.

Supposedly the electricity bill has doubled and I mess with the A/C all of the time according to Alyssa. I informed Lynn that Alyssa has someone stay the night all of the time (not that I care) and that maybe he messes with the A/C. Lynn says that's okay because Alyssa is her daughter and she pays rent. I PAY RENT. I was unaware of this but when you pay rent for a house that you're rent it doesn't entitle you to live comfortably. You shouldn't touch the A/C, have internet access, cable tv, hang pictures on the wall, have guests, etc. But before I moved in the only rule was "no smoking."

They say one thing and then completely turn it around.

So I told her that I would pay for 2 months rent and be out by the end of the month.
Tomorrow is Dominic's birthday party so I will have to see all of them.
I told Lynn to just pretned like I wasn't there tomorrow. Then she started yelling at me telling me that I was being immature. I said "You're yelling at me and I'm being immature?" She laughed and then said "I'm actually standing her sobbing in the mirror trying to figure out how this all happened." WTF?!?!
After that I told her would pay for 6 weeks and be out by this weekend. Well I calculated it up and I've been there for 5 weeks and have paid for 4, so now I only owe for 1 week. So I am going to pay that ASAP and be done with this mess. Such bullshit.

I kind of figured it out, though. Alyssa lived on her own and didn't want a roommate to begin with, so why would she have changed her mind? So she's lying to her mom to either make them kick me out or make me want to leave. Regardless, she won.

I suppose it's a good thing. I didn't like being there anyway. She has parties all of the time, is super messy and has 3 cats. VOMIT.

I'm a nomad. I haven't stayed in one place for longer than 18 months since I was 18. I don't see that stopping now. Trouble follows me everywhere.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


Exes can be so deceitful. They have tricks up their sleeve that you wouldn't believe.

Background info: My ex was on my phone plan even after we broke up, we discussed it and decided that he'd remain on my plan so that we both could save money until he could afford to cancel his portion of the contract. Well after he couldn't pay the bill on time 2 months in a row I told him that I was going to turn it off. He calls me cussing me out but tells me to do it, only because he wanted to test me. Some people have so little faith in me. Well the very next day that's just what I did.

So for the trickery... He texted me in the middle of the night from a number I didn't recognize. So of course I'm going to respond asking who it is. He tells me who it is and that he's going to send me the money he owes me soon and later asks if we can be friends. Since he's psycho I tell him that we'll see as in it's possible, only because I want my money.
So I guess we both have our tricks.
And now I basically haven't heard from him since. So he just came up with this plan to mess with my head.

Fortunately, I didn't count on ever recieving the money. Otherwise I'd be screwed.
My plans for the money were to buy a new phone, get a new number and never have to hear from him again. Of course right before I did all that I was going to thank him for the money, tell him my plan & that he could fuck off for all of the bullshit he put me through.
I came up with this plan after finding out that the day I was moving out he went behind my back and lied to my parents about something that he THOUGHT would make them resent me and not help me move anymore. That plus him telling me he was going to send me some money.

Soon enough I will have the money to get a new phone and continue with my plan, but instead tell him that I didn't need his money and that he's a stupid bum peice of shit for the previous stated reasons.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Friendship is a two-way street.

This title is something I strongly believe in.
I've been on both ends of this statement-- being the friend that feels like the only one who cares and being told by the other person that I "don't care."
As far as being told that I don't care, it's pretty amazing how I show them that I "don't care."
People whine and whine about being so unhappy, not having any friends, etc. but it's all bullshit.
When effort is actually made it goes unnoticed or ignored. You're not looking for friendship. You just want attention and want someone to feel sorry for you. I'm not buying into it anymore.